Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I am morally bankrupt
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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