she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
