I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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