she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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