I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
