We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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