she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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