I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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