wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
