I like to think it a success when the cops are called
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
