you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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