You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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