(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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