Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
