Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
