My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
