I haven't been this sober since birth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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