I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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