oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
