So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
where are you?
Hypothermia
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
