How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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