sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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