I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
