i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he was CRYING into my vagina
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
