Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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