mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
