Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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