im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
