This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
