How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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