Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
