we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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