My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There r osticjed everywhere
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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