I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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