I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
