I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
