but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
