and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
