6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
