Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
