is your mom at the bar?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
