yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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