I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
