I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
