when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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