you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
