3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
