I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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