At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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