New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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