My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The uberlube is also flammable
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
