left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
